How to Stop Being Too Nice

It’s an important lesson how to stop being too nice. The easiest way to stop is to say no more often. When you’re too nice is when people have the highest chances of taking advantage of you. Everything that you’ve done can all be fixed with just a simple word: no.

I’m very nice during negotiations. I don’t raise my voice, I’m not particularly demanding, and I’m trying to look for a deal that becomes a win-win to both sides. However, when I see that it’s a win-lose situation and the other side is trying their hardest to make it so, then that’s when I fix everything by saying no.

In 2021, one company reached out to me in regards to a job opportunity. He would downright refuse to tell me what the salary range for the job is. I took the job interview, anyway, against my better decision. I passed the interviews with flying colors and the CEO wanted me really badly.

So then the HR guy called me and then began the negotiation. He began by saying a person with my career history would more than likely make somewhere between $85k – $125k. So then I just flat out told him my salary of $100k + $10k bonus. Then he immediately responded with, “OK, what if we offer you a pay cut?”

I just politely told him that I would consider it. To my surprise, they actually ended up asking me to take a pay cut. Had I said yes afterwards, then that would have been being too nice. However, I just ended up politely declining his offer by the end. That’s the first step on how to stop being too nice.

How to Stop Being Too Nice

One way to stop being too nice is to SLAP that social share button and post to your favorite social media! Your friends could use an article like this and they may be going through some of the same things.

So with that said, let’s get into the concrete steps on how to stop!

1) Say No More Often

I don’t mean say no for the sake of saying no. I mean saying no because you genuinely want to say no. You don’t want to say yes to something that you don’t want to do. It’s nothing personal, it just doesn’t work for you. This is the easiest way on how to stop being nice.

Now, people have a very hard time handling rejection. You may get a lot of people who yell at you and/or get mad that you rejected them. Then it’s up to you on how to handle such behaviors. However, the first step on not being too nice is to say no when something doesn’t work for you.

One of my friends complained that, “you only want to do something when you want to do something”. He genuinely wanted me to say yes to doing something that I didn’t want to do. That’s what happens when you set boundaries and aren’t too nice. People get frustrated.

2) Stop People Pleasing

People pleasing was a real struggle that I went through. I didn’t want to burn bridges as they say, so I tried to do things that would please others. Even at the expense of my sanity, mental health, and/or wishes. The only person you really have to please is you. it’s your life.

Even if you don’t please your parents. I will always be left wondering if I should have taken the leap of faith of entrepreneurship at age 24 instead of age 28, like I am projected to do. I don’t know if I should have done it sooner and a part of me wishes I did but I’ll never find out the answer to it.

How to stop being too nice has to include not people pleasing. When you want to please others, then you’re living your life for others. You don’t want to live your life for others. You want to live your life for yourself. It’s your life, and you only have one of it. Don’t let someone else dictate the terms.

3) Figure Out if Something is Holding You Back

On knowing how to stop being too nice may not have anything to do with you. It may have to do with something completely unrelated that’s not your fault. For me, it was water. When I drink any type of liquids, my body just can’t handle it. I take very careful care on what kind of liquids I put in my body.

It affects me for hours on end. When I drink a bad kind of not carbonated liquids, then I lose control over myself for three hours at a minimum. I can’t believe I was able to work under these conditions. It’s even worse if I ate something really heavy right before drinking liquids.

Find out what it is. It may take a very good amount of time but once you find out what it is, it’s worth it. It’s taking me about 6 months and it’ll take me an additional six months to solve the problem. However, what’s important is that I’m making my way to solving the problem.

4) Be More Selfish on the Little Things

The little and subtle things are what matters. Instead of thinking how you can do something for someone else, think how others can do something for you. When I was ordering something from Taco Bell on the drive thru, they asked me how they may take my order. I usually would say, “could I get the number 3” or whatever the order is.

However, then, I said, “I’ll get the number 3”. The cashier even was surprised and had a bit of impressiveness behind her response. It’s those little and subtle differences that make you know how to stop being too nice. It’s not any big thing that’s going to make a difference.

Start thinking of ways on how others can help you. It’s going to feel so awkward to start. I felt awkward and a little anxious that she was going to get angry or something. She wasn’t angry, she was almost impressed. Be more selfish on the little things and watch the differences happen to your life.

5) Don’t be Afraid to Offend

You are NEVER going to please everyone in the world all the time. That is an impossibility. No matter how nice you are, there will always be someone offended by you. There’s an entire Facebook page dedicated to bashing on Roger Federer. Roger Federer is one of the nicest people ever.

Yet, there are people who bash on him for some reason. If you exist, it offends people. Therefore, you shouldn’t be afraid of offending people if that’s who you are. People are always going to be offended by something and you can’t let that stop you. Even if you stand up for the most just cause in the world, there’s flaws.

How to stop being too nice is not compromising on who you are as a person. Don’t compromise on your values. They’re what makes up who you are as a person. You don’t want to stop being yourself. Everyone else is already taken, might as well be yourself.

6) Stop being Too Nice Through Disagreements

When you disagree, you are on the right path on knowing how to stop being too nice. People avoid disagreements and confrontations because they’re afraid of souring the relationship. That’s not how it works. As long as you disagree respectfully and nicely, then it should be fine.

There are many of my friends whose ideas I disagree with. That’s completely OK. We’re still good friends, we have drinks, eat lunch together, and the like. However, you have to know how to disagree the right way. Otherwise, you WILL lose friends. Don’t disagree on everything.

Disagree on the important things. And even if you disagree, disagree respectfully. There’s no need to attack the person. You can learn a lot of about someone through disagreements. It’s taken me a lot of trial and error but I know have a handle on how to disagree respectfully. It’s an art.

7) Fight for What You Want

When you fight for what you want, you are knowing how to stop being too nice. You’re going after what you want rather than letting someone else take what’s yours. It’s yours for the taking. The question is, are you willing to grab it? If you’re not going to fight for what you want, how are you going to get what you want?

You’re not. One of my bosses would explain to me, “yeah, my best advice I can give people is to tell me what you want. There’s been a lot of opportunities that I gave to other people but many people privately complained to me because they wouldn’t tell me what they want”.

You have to ask for what you want. Yes, you will risk offending some people and the relationship might turn sour. However, you will never know what the answer would’ve been if you didn’t say what you wanted in the first place. It takes some guts to ask for what you want but if you don’t risk it, you’re not going to get it.

8) Carefully Craft Statements and Questions

Word choice matters. Don’t say, “could you please tell me?” say “what is it?”. The most classic example are interviews. They will ask you what you’re getting paid and/or what your salary expectations for the role are. You politely decline to answer and then you put the question back on them.

You ask them, “what is the compensation budget fo the role?” I made the mistake of phrasing my question in a “could you please tell me?” way and it ended up backfiring. I made it easy for them to decline to answer. That was my mistake. Yes, if you ask them in a “what is it” way, it comes across as rude.

However, that’s OK. It’s just business, it’s nothing personal. It’s not like you’re going to see that person again if they ghost you. The word choice matters in knowing how to stop being too nice. It’s the little things that make up who you are, not the big things. Tiny adjustments matter.

9) Don’t do Things Without Getting Something in Return

This is the last rule on how to stop being too nice. Yes, when you want to build relationships, doing something for others without expecting anything in return is helpful. However, if you want to stop being too nice in business, expect something from others. It could be a small thing like a favor or such.

You obviously don’t want to be keeping score. Also, you don’t have to lord it over someone’s head either. They can pay you back at some point and at some time that’s convenient to them. The great thing about human psychology is that people don’t forget the nice things you did for others.

They remember the next time you need a favor. You don’t need to remind them either. They will help you even if they don’t want to. You know those street scams where they give you a flower that you didn’t even want and you’re now more likely to donate to their cause and such? That’s reciprocity at play.

Knowing How to Stop Being Too Nice Makes a Difference

It doesn’t make a difference to your life until it does. Being nice is great. However, being too nice is bad for you. That’s why you need to know how to stop being too nice. After a while, you will start to feel resentment towards the other side and at yourself.

It’s fine to give things up for others once in a while but make it aa habit and people will walk all over you. When people walk all over you, they lose respect for you. They may love and like you but they will not respect you. There’s a fine line between the two.

Would you rather be loved or would you rather be respected? There’s a way to be both, but if you had to pick one over the other, what would you choose? I personally would choose respect over the other. Bullies aren’t very likable but they’re respected. People perceive them as smarter, for rightly or wrongly.

How to stop being too nice is a life skill that you will have to learn. Most people figure out how to stop being used and abused by the time they’re 30. That’s when we feel like we are coming into our own. However, if you can stop being too nice even sooner than that, that’s even better.

Go after what you want instead of waiting and watching others get what you want. You have to be a go getter and fight for everything. Otherwise, people are just going to assume you’re fine with what you have and not care about you. You have to speak up at appropriate times and learn to take charge.

How to Stop Being Too Nice Shortlist:

• Say no more often
• Stop people pleasing
• Figure out if something is holding you back
• Be more selfish on the little things
• Don’t be afraid to offend
• Stop being too nice through disagreements
• Fight for what you want
• Carefully craft statements and questions
• Don’t do things without getting something in return