Being too nice hurts you in ways you don’t even see coming. It allows others to walk all over you if you’re not too careful. Others have a way of taking advantage of you if you let them. When you give people an inch, they want a mile. Protect yourself because no one else is going to.
When I was first starting my financial independence journey I had a deep desire to be liked. I thought if I wasn’t liked, then I couldn’t get promoted, get fired, and the like. However, that wasn’t the case. I’ve met so many unlikable people in the job. It was shocking.
Some unlikable people got promoted to higher ranks because they knew that as long as their boss likes them, nothing else matters. Other unlikable people never got promoted but still did quite well financially in terms of bonus payouts. What shocked me is not any of the unlikable people got fired.
All of them either got better jobs or moved up the ranks. I was too focused on gaining support from others. Did I succeed? Yes. My boss confirmed as such. However, it still didn’t help my career in any way. They never paid me more as a result, no faster promotions, and the like.
That’s when I found out that I was being too nice. I was sacrificing myself in order to garner support from my coworkers that never really helped at all. I was giving up way too much for what I was getting in return and would say yes to my boss’ requests more often than I would like.
9 Signs You’re Being Too Nice
One way to know if you’re being to nice is if you’re not SMASHING that social share button and posting to your favorite social media! It’s all about bettering your friends’ lives!
So with that said, let’s get into the article of how to tell if you need to dial back your niceness.
1) Agreeableness is Being Too Nice
You don’t have to agree with everything others say. Silence is fine. There are people who say silence is consent. I would say it depends on the situation. However, what’s bad is if you agree to something in which you don’t like or want to do. We’ve all had to say yes to additional work from your bosses.
However, there are times when you just can’t. That’s when you have to work and negotiate with your boss that you have to refuse work. Disagreeing is an art. You can’t disagree with everything everyone says. However, there are times when you have to strategically disagree.
If it’s not your boss, you have to take a stance against your coworkers and the people you work with at some point. There’s no chance that you will agree with everything that your coworkers say or do. It’s easier to agree but it’s being too nice. It’s harder to master the art of disagreeing but it’s a skill worth mastering.
2) Avoiding Conflict out of Fear
Conflict makes people sweaty. Just reading and listening to that word breeds fear in people who are being too nice. Their heartbeats start to beat faster and the like. Conflict is inevitable in the world. People are fighting for resources all the time. Conflict and competition is never going away as long as people exist.
There are times when conflict isn’t worth it. However, there are times when people downright put you in the position that avoiding conflict will make you a pushover. When your coworkers make fun of you publicly and put you in that position with ill intent, then you can’t let that slide.
Otherwise, you send a message that you let bullies run all over you. While I highly dislike doing it, but managing the politics of people is necessary. Especially when it comes to the workplace. When it comes to friends, you can easily cut people out of your life but in the workplace, you will have to manage other people.
3) Putting Other People’s Needs Above Your Own
There are times when you want to do nice things for other people. That’s great! I want to take on more charity giving this year. However, it can’t come at a cost where you consistently do nice things for other people at the cost of your own happiness. That’s being too nice.
Your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s needs. Sometimes, you sacrifice your needs for other people voluntarily because you love the person. However, doing it too much isn’t a good idea. If you don’t want to go out to dinner on Friday, then you are perfectly within your rights to say no.
Yes, it may make the other side mad. However, if you do go, it will make you mad because you agreed to do something you didn’t want to do. In a lose-lose situation such as this, it’s OK to take care of your needs first. You are worthy and deserve to have peace and happiness in your life.
4) Not Thinking You’re Worthy
There are people out there who think they don’t deserve happiness and/or they don’t deserve to make six figures. Or whatever it may be. You’re worthy of getting all these things and then some. It may take work to get there, but you deserve to have good things.
Being too nice means that you don’t think that you’re worthy of them and you let them go. Even if the offer is staring at you right in the face. Even if the girl or guy of your dreams is asking you out, you still say no. Because deep down inside, you don’t think you deserve someone as amazing as the person who’s standing in front of you.
They want you for a reason. You deserve all the luck and happiness in the world and you don’t need to apologize for those things. It’s one thing to not want them because you don’t like them. It’s another thing to not want them because you don’t think you deserve them.
5) You Apologize Too Much
There are times when apologies are warranted. However, if your default position is to apologize to appease the other party instead of fighting for what’s right, that’s a sign of being too nice. There are times when I saw people apologize when it’s not even their fault. What!
The other side should be apologizing to them but the opposite was happening. That’s not right! Sometimes, you will have to demand an apology from the other person. When you say sorry too much, people see you as weak. Someone they can take advantage of without giving it a minute’s thought.
One trick to use is instead of saying sorry that you’re.5 minutes late, thank them for being patient for 5 minutes. Show appreciation. Both are polite and it may not sound like a huge difference. But it makes all the difference in the world in setting your relationship on the right foot. The subtle differences are what is important.
6) You Have a Need to Be Liked
This isn’t about having a desire to be liked. This is a deep desire to be liked that leads you to being too nice. It’s ingrained in your brain and that if someone doesn’t like you, it physically hurts you. Your heart sinks and it hits you hard. There are people who I want to be liked by. My family, best friends, and significant others.
However, besides them, I don’t need to be liked by anybody. I am who I am. Take it or leave it and I refuse to change for anybody but myself. You don’t need to be liked. It helps in your life, but it’s not as life threatening as some people would have you believe. My college’s recruiting services pushed for this.
They told us that something as simple as not smiling during an interview will make us not get a job. Not smiling. Really? We should smile because it’s natural and we connect with the message of the company. We shouldn’t smile because we want someone else to like us. That was bad advice.
7) You Don’t Speak Up
When something is bothering you, you prefer to quietly murmur because it’s easier instead of speaking up and saying something. You need to say something. Yes, people are going to mock, criticize, and go against you if you disagree and/or are a downer. However, you need to speak up at times.
There are truly unjust things in the world and if something is one of them or if something is bothering you to a point of frustration, then you need to speak up before it gets to anger. You will be surprised at how many people will apologize afterwards. Some people just downright will refuse.
Being too nice means you bottle up your emotions instead of saying how you feel. If you like someone, tell him or her. It is a risky move because they may reject you. If you feel like someone is disrespecting you, speak up. Bullies will only bully you for as long as you let them to.
8) People Yell at You for Saying No
When you train other people that you’re willing to say yes quite often, then when you say no is when you get people really angry. They hate that the status quo is gone and will blame you for it. That’s when you know you were being too nice.
People don’t like change and if you changed from how you usually were, then that’s a problem for them. When you get people to expect to get a no, then people aren’t going to go after you. They already expected that anyway. You are allowed to say no to things that you don’t like and yes to things you don’t.
I’ve had that happen to me numerous times but I still stand my ground and refuse to do whatever they want me to do. I know I’m not going to be liked but it’s a matter of principle. You say yes once, then every time thereafter they expect you to give more and more and more. The Better Call Saul scene below explains it in detail.
9) Deep Down Inside, You Know You’re Being Too Nice
You have random bouts of anger at times. Angry at yourself that you agreed to do something that you don’t want to do. I recently received an interview request. The company wanted to bring me in for a second round. I politely said no to the second round.
In my younger days, I would still take it because “what’s the harm?” The harm is that I lose 5 hours interviewing and not to mention the 3 hours that I lose preparing for the interview. Being too nice means you just know deep down inside when something is off. You know you should’ve said no.
You kick yourself because you just know you should’ve said something else. Trust me when I say, I’ve been there. I’m still in that position more often times than I would like. However, what matters is the learning. Next time, learn from your mistake and don’t do it.
Being Too Nice Holds You Back
Being nice is a good thing, being too nice can mean people are going to run you over. Trust me when I say, when you let people do things to you, people WILL do things to you. Even if it borderlines on taking advantage of you. I’ve been there so many times before. I tell people that I don’t talk about my personal life.
Then they get angry at me and lash out at me for wanting to be private. I’ve had real life people like that, both in personal relationships AND professional relationships. It was horrible. What is worse is that I didn’t call HR after having those people yell at me. My mental health took a toll.
You need to set boundaries and recognize when you’re being too nice. There are some things that you just want to keep to yourself, which is perfectly fine. Other people will want to know about them but you have to stand your ground. There were some people who wanted to keep their salary private.
Which is perfectly OK. However, when they would rub me the wrong way is when they would ask me what my salary is. Had I had answered that question, that’s when I know that I’m being too nice. However, I didn’t answer that question, I just remained silent and moved on.
It’s one of the hardest lessons you’ll learn. You have to have the confidence to be demanding and ask for more. To ask for what you deserve. You’re worth it, more than you know. Other people are reaching their goals there’s no reason that you shouldn’t reach yours.
9 Signs You’re Being Too Nice Shortlist:
- Agreeableness is being too nice
- Avoiding conflict out of fear
- Putting other people’s needs above your own
- Not thinking you’re worthy
- You apologize too much
- You have a need to be liked
- You don’t speak up
- People yell at you for saying no
- Deep down inside, you know you’re being too nice
